Everlong
by racheliza
Summary: What if Chandler really ran away before the wedding and Monica never married him? After one year of being estranged from the group, Chandler moves back to NYC in the hopes of reconnecting with Monica. Canon up to season 7 finale.
1. Prologue

**A/N: As you can probably tell, this is my first fanfiction. For some reason, I randomly came up with the idea of Monica & Chandler breaking up and having to rebuild their relationship when they're slightly older, wiser and more mature. Don't get me wrong, I _love_ how their entire relationship played out on the show (obviously!) but sometimes I think a few of their issues were unresolved, e.g. Chandler's insecurities, particularly with Richard, the fact that Monica considered going back to Richard when she thought Chandler wasn't prepared to give her what she wanted (understandable to an extent, but still) and the fact that Chandler almost bailed on their wedding. I do think the writers never directly addressed these issues because they were easily fixed in a pretty self-explanatory way - they loved each other, and at the end of the day, that's all that really mattered. However, I do think they must've spoken about these things at some point during their relationship, so I guess this story is a way of dealing with them. **

**The first chapter is a prologue set during the scene where Rachel is trying to distract Monica and ends up telling her they 'can't find Chandler…'s vest' (except in this, it really is Chandler himself). The next chapter onwards will have a time jump, set about two years later, and each chapter will switch between POVs, at least for now whilst they're apart. Please read + review to let me know whether you like the story and if I should continue or not. Please note that I'm still experimenting with writing style, so that may evolve slightly over the course of the fic (if I continue) and be very different in any upcoming fics I post. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. Not a single one.**

* * *

 **Prologue**

 **Monica.**

"Honey, listen. When I tell you what I'm about to tell you, I need you to remember that we are all here for you and that we love you."

 _What?_ Monica's heart thumped in her chest as she listened to what Rachel was saying. Something wasn't quite right; in fact, for the past day or so, both Rachel and Phoebe had been acting strange, but she couldn't figure out why. Her stomach churned as all the possible scenarios of what could go wrong flooded through her mind. Perhaps there was something wrong with the venue? The catering? Had Joey not been able to get off work?

"Ok, you're-you're really freaking me out," she stuttered, her eyes pleading with Rachel to tell her the truth. She was under enough stress as it was without her best friend and maid of honor being dishonest with her.

"We can't find Chandler."

Monica's heart sunk as she tried to process Rachel's response. She could see Rachel searching her face for any kind of reaction, but all Monica could do was blankly stare at Rachel as if she held all the answers.

"What?" she whispered softly, so quiet to the point that she wasn't sure whether Rachel had heard her. Rachel apprehensively took a couple of steps towards Monica and tucked a loose piece of hair behind her ear, her eyes full of sadness and sympathy.

"I'm so sorry, honey. He's gone."

Monica began shaking her head rapidly, confusion laced in her eyes. She was in denial over Rachel's words – surely there had been some sort of mix-up? Maybe he'd just left temporarily, to buy some milk, or something.

"No, no, no- Rachel! He can't be gone… What do you mean, gone?! We're getting married today! I mean, what could be so important that he'd blow off that?" she scoffed, her voice a couple of octaves higher than any level-headed person's voice should be.

Rachel's eyes were now looking anywhere but at Monica. Monica thought she could she a few tears brimming at the surface as she bit her bottom lip, evaluating what her next words would be.

"Mon- he just took off. He left, and he's not coming back," she replied. Monica stared at Rachel incredulously. She couldn't quite believe what she was hearing. She always knew that Chandler had commitment issues - it was practically on the advertising poster for him - and yet, she'd assumed that when they got engaged, he'd been ready. At the very least, she expected that he would've backed out long before the big day if he was having any doubts.

"Are you serious?" her voice wavered. Rachel nodded slightly, her eyes fixed on the ground, unable to speak any words in that moment.

"No…" she snapped, "no! You're lying… tell me this is just some dumb prank!" She was almost shouting now, and her voice cracked as she attempted to keep her emotions at bay. She failed. All at once, Monica collapsed into heaps of sobs on the floor, tears streaming down her face as her whole body shook. Rachel knelt down on the floor beside her, holding her and stroking her hair, but said nothing, as she knew no words would make her feel better in that moment.

"I can't believe it…" she was whispering again, "he just… took off?"

"I'm so sorry, Mon," Rachel sighed. Moments passed, although how long she didn't know. In reality it was probably just a few minutes, but to her it felt like hours. Rachel continued to comfort her, rocking her body back and forth as she cried quietly. She was still in shock and half in denial, but she knew deep down that Rachel was right. He was truly gone.

Suddenly, Ross and Phoebe came barging through the door. They stopped abruptly when they saw the scene unfolding in front of them. They gaped slightly at Monica – they were clearly shocked and not expecting to see what they were. This led Monica to believe that either they didn't know what had happened with Chandler, or that they had tried to take extra measures to avoid her finding out.

Silence ensued, until Rachel spoke, "I had to tell her."

Ross simply nodded as he joined Monica on the floor as Rachel stood up to join Phoebe, who was now pacing in the living room. They engaged in a quiet conversation, and Monica observed Phoebe getting heated whilst Rachel tried to calm her down.

Monica glanced up at her brother.

"How did this happen?" she asked, although she knew he wouldn't know any more than she did. If Monica, the person who knew and understood Chandler better than anyone else in the world, didn't see this coming, then the others had no chance.

"I don't know, Mon," she sighed as he held her in his embrace. "I really don't know."

"Do you know where he went?"

Ross shrugged, "I know no more than you do. All I know is what he wrote on the note. Phoebs?"

Phoebe and Rachel were snapped out of their conversation and walked over to Monica and Ross, handing over the note. Monica read the four small words he'd written over and over, and felt her heart break into a million pieces.

 _Tell Monica I'm sorry._

The simplicity and finality of what he'd written struck her. There was no long explanation or way of making sense of the situation; he'd clearly wanted a clean break, no questions asked. Monica had calmed a little since the others had arrived, but once again, she found herself trying to control her loud sobs as she clutched the note to her heart. It made his leaving real for her; up until now, she could write it off as a simple misunderstanding, but seeing the note made his actions crystal clear.

He was truly gone.

They all crowded around her, squeezing her hand, stroking her hair and holding her. They were trying to comfort her as best as they could, but it wasn't enough.

"Why?!" she cried, her voice cracking. "Why would he do this to me? I thought he loved me… I thought we were in love and happy and… was it me? What did I do?" She asked hysterically as Ross gently kissed the top of her head.

"It wasn't you, honey," Rachel replied, her voice gentle as she tried to make Monica see what was so clear to the rest of them. "He's an idiot. He wasn't ready, or at least, he thought he wasn't… he freaked out. But anyone would be lucky to have you and if he can't see that, that's his own fault."

Ross nodded along as Phoebe stroked her hair in an attempt to soothe her.

"He's going to pay for what he did, Monica," Ross started, Phoebe making sounds of agreement whilst Rachel gave him a look of warning as to not make Monica more upset than she already was. "I don't know how, I don't know when-"

"Don't hurt him," Monica cut in quickly. Despite what Chandler had done to her, the idea of him being hurt killed her inside. She could take her own pain, but the idea of Chandler suffering made her nauseous. "Please, Ross, just… Promise me you won't hurt him."

Ross seemed hesitant at first, but softened at Monica's desperate look.

"Fine. I won't hurt him," he replied. Monica breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank you," she said quietly, offering a small smile that she didn't mean.

 **xxxxx**

Hours passed and the group had decided to stay at Monica's apartment that evening, watching her favourite movies and cooking her favourite meals - not that she could pay attention to the screen or stomach any food. Chandler was all she could think about.

"Hey, how you holding up?" Phoebe asked later than evening as she shifted up next to her on the couch. Ross and Rachel had both shared the arm chair and fallen asleep in it. Joey, who'd joined them a few hours earlier, was in the kitchen, consuming everything in Monica's fridge and his eyes glued to some Playboy magazine.

"My fiancé just left me on the day of my wedding. How do you think I'm holding up?" she fired back. There was anger and malice in her tone, but she didn't care.

"I'm sorry," Phoebe responded regretfully. She hadn't meant to aggravate her – she genuinely cared and wanted to know whether she was okay.

"No, I'm sorry," Monica replied, fiddling with the engagement ring on her finger which now made her feel like she was being stabbed in the heart rather than filling her with joy like it used to. "It's just- I'm not okay, Phoebs. I'm devastated. I thought he was the love of my life," she said, her eyes feeling with tears for what felt like the billionth time that day. "I love him so much. I just don't get it," she sniffed, tears flowing.

"I know, Mon. Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I always knew you deserved more. Seriously, he was never good enough for you-"

In shock over Phoebe's words, Monica stood up, staring down at her. Her eyes were filed with anger and shock at what Phoebe had said. If that wasn't the most insensitive thing you could say to someone in this situation, she didn't know what was.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" she squeaked. "I deserve better than someone who's good, sweet, funny and adorable and has the kindest heart?"

When Phoebe didn't respond, she raised her voice a little more. "You know, you have always put Chandler down. All of you," she said, Rachel and Ross now awake due to the sheer volume of her voice. "Well, except maybe you, Joey," she continued, a little quieter, to which Joey gave a smug smile, which made Monica roll her eyes even more. "Did you ever consider that it was _you_ that made him run away? That it was _you_ who made him doubt his ability to commitment, or think he wasn't good enough for me?"

The whole room was stunned into silence over Monica's outburst. Rachel was the first to reach out to Monica, now standing beside her.

"We may have been a little harsh on Chandler, but he knows we love him-"

"Does he?" Monica retorted, raising her eyebrows.

"Yes. And at the end of the day, _he_ made this decision, Mon," Rachel said, her tone careful. " _He_ chose to walk out on you. He only has himself to blame for making that decision."

Deep down, Monica knew Rachel was right. She nodded softly as the truth of her words sunk in.

"You're right, Rach. I'm sorry guys. It's just so hard."

A collection of "that's okay" and "we understand" came, but Monica wasn't listening. She soon headed off to bed, but she spent the night tossing and turning, unable to sleep as thoughts about Chandler buzzed through her mind. She cried on and off, in an endless cycle of being struck by immense pain and too numb to cry any more tears. She knew that this was how her nights to come would be, instead of filled with love as she had anticipated.

It wasn't going to be easy. She didn't know how she was going to get through it but she knew somehow, she'd have to. She was Monica Geller – she didn't get destroyed or broken by such emotions. She was the one who provided the support instead of needing it herself. On top of that, she never gave up or quit, no matter how much she wanted to. She wasn't going to be defeated, not even by the man who had been her rock so many times before. This time, instead of being the one to comfort her when she felt like this, he wasn't there. He was the one making her feel like this. That thought racked her mind and crushed her heart all at once until at some point she drifted into a fitful and uneasy sleep, too exhausted to stay awake any longer.

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 **A/N: Hope you enjoyed! And thanks to simplymondler with the line divider help :)**


	2. Sandcastles

**A/N: So, here's the next chapter! Sorry for the slightly late update – it's been almost a week, which isn't too bad, but I really want to aim on posting a couple of times a week. If anyone's forgotten, basically Chandler ran away before his and Monica's wedding as he almost did in the show – the first chapter was the prologue, tackling the immediate aftermath and Monica's response, whereas from now on it will deal with their emotions a couple of years later re-entering each other's lives.**

 **As you might be able to guess, this chapter has nothing to do with literal sandcastles. I've decided to name the chapters after songs because I find music to be a really helpful source of inspiration and a kind of muse for me. This song is named after 'Sandcastles' by Beyoncé – it's a really beautiful song, so even if you don't want a soundtrack to this chapter, I'd recommend listening to it anyway.**

 **Remember, please review – even if you dislike it, I'd rather have negative feedback than none at all. For my last chapter, I had 8 reviews from 170 views – that's less than 5%. Even it's just a tiny, short sentence or a couple of words, it's appreciated more than you know. Hope you enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: Friends and the characters are property of David Crane and Marta Kauffman – last time I checked, I wasn't one of those people. Also, the italicised lyrics belong to Beyoncé, and sadly, I'm not her, either.**

* * *

 **Chapter One –** _ **Sandcastles**_

 **Chandler.**

 _I scratched out your name and your face_ _  
_ _what is it about you that I can't erase, baby?_

 **Two years later**

It was 9:42am on a Saturday morning when he received the invitation.

He wasn't expecting it, to be honest; it had been around two years since he'd heard from anyone in his 'past life' as he now referred to it. He'd assumed his former friends had all but wiped him from their memories, and in all honesty, he didn't blame him. Neither, however, was he expecting the news of the invitation itself – that was almost as big a surprise as hearing from them at all.

Ross and Rachel were getting married.

Chandler found this particularly bizarre, especially as when he'd last seen them, they weren't even dating. Then again, this was _Ross_ , the man who'd already been married three times, and Rachel, someone whom he'd always had volatile, unpredictable relationship with. When he thought about it, the fact that they were engaged at this point really wasn't surprising at all.

Attached to the invitation Ross had written a short letter explaining things, and Chandler was both touched by the gesture, and confused as to why he'd put in so much effort for someone who did what he did.

 _Dear Chandler,_

 _As you can see, Rachel and I are getting married. A lot has happened since you left. We found out shortly after that Rachel was pregnant with my baby – a story for another time – and since then we realised that we were made for each other and got engaged. We've been engaged for over a year now, and honestly, we'd love for you to come to the wedding. We're still mad at you, but you're my oldest friend, and I don't want to get married to the love of my life without you by my side._

 _Please just think about it._

 _Ross_

 _P.S. I bet you're wondering how I got your address. A little birdie, who may or may not be named Janice, may or may not have let slip when she was last in the city. You're still in touch with her? Really, Chandler?_

Chandler read the letter again and then once more to check his eyes weren't playing tricks on him. He couldn't quite believe that, after all this time, Ross still wanted him at his wedding. After everything he'd done to his little sister. To Monica.

 _Monica._

Chandler's chest physically ached whenever he thought about her now (which, let's be real, was most of the time. Some things never change.) He'd experienced every negative feeling possible since he left, but there was one that had always remained at the foreground of his emotional state – regret. Regret for walking away from someone who made him so happy, regret from surrendering to his fears instead of fighting them, but most of all, regret for causing the woman he loved pain of any kind.

That was assuming she was even sad that he'd gone. He guessed she would've been upset at first, considering she was about to marry him and everything, but in the long run, she might've been grateful for it. She'd probably moved on to someone better now, perhaps a Richard-type. Hell, maybe she'd even gone back to Richard himself. He'd always felt like Monica was settling for him, not because he was her ideal partner, but because the timing was right and she was ready to start a family. He supposed she'd loved him on some level, but not in the deep, all-consuming way. She deserved nothing less than that, and Chandler knew deep down she could've always gotten somebody better if she'd tried.

The idea of going back and seeing Monica made his heart race, but he also felt physically sick. He knew it couldn't happen. He wanted to see her so bad – _God,_ how he longed to see her – but he didn't think he'd cope making Monica angry, or worse, making her sad. Maybe she'd gotten to a point where she'd forgiven him, but she'd always been stubborn, so he didn't want to take that risk. He'd walked out the night before their wedding, a day which she'd been dreaming about for years, and left her to clean up the mess. Knowing Monica like he did, he'd say she was pretty fucking angry with him, and would be for the rest of their lives.

Ever since he'd left Monica, Chandler had thrown himself into his work. He'd been relocated in Westchester to another branch of his company, and moved there without hesitation, keen to escape the harsh reminders that New York City brought. He'd become acquainted with his colleagues, but he hadn't formed a single meaningful relationship in the whole two years he'd been there. He hadn't been on any dates, let alone had a relationship, and he wouldn't consider any of his co-workers an actual friend. He was inexplicably lonely, but he felt he'd earned just that for all the pain he'd caused. He'd considered calling his parents a few times. He thought maybe they'd offer their support, and maybe they'd tried to contact him if they knew a way to do so. Despite that, he knew he just couldn't face them after what he'd done; no doubt Monica had told them, and he knew they'd inevitably be overcome by sheer disappointment.

Chandler placed the invitation back on the counter face down, along with Ross's letter. He didn't expect to even look at it again. He didn't think about it at until he received a phone call later that day.

"Who is this?" Chandler asked, his voice monotonous. He couldn't care less about speaking to anyone right now. He hardly ever received calls, and he had no doubt this one would be anything other than someone trying to sell gas, or toner, or something.

"Chandler? It's Joey," came the voice from the other line. Chandler was completely stunned. He had no idea why Joey was calling him, nor how he'd managed to get his number.

"Joey?" he answered finally. He was almost speechless; he couldn't believe he was speaking to his best friend after two years.

"Yeah… hey, man."

Chandler was silent. There were a million things he thought he could, and probably should, say. However, when he tried speaking, no words came out.

"Listen, Chandler… I know it's been a while-"

"You're telling me?!" Chandler replied, his voice raising a little. He tried to calm himself, knowing he had no right to get frustrated with Joey.

"I know… Look, I just want to ask you to come to the wedding. Please. Ross told me not to call you but I told him there's no way you'd be convinced by a dumb letter…"

Chandler smirked. Joey was completely right. Despite being moved by his intentions, Ross's words had very little effect over Chandler. It would take a lot more than that. He smiled at how well Joey knew him.

"… It's just, I miss you. We all do. Monica more than anyone, although she won't be happy I told you that." Chandler bit his lip. So Monica _did_ miss him? Well that answered that question. It didn't confirm anything though. She could still be dating someone new.

"I'm not saying we're ready to forgive and forget, and Monica's gonna be a particularly tough one to battle, I can tell you that now. But please, Chandler. We want you back in our lives again."

Chandler sighed. He wanted to cave to Joey's wishes so badly. He longed to be back in the city again, to be reunited with the only people he'd ever called family. More than anything, he wanted to see her again. To hear her voice. It had been so long since he'd heard her voice.

Still, he knew going back would only reopen old scars and force painful memories to resurface. No good could come of seeing Monica again; at best, she'd forgive him, and perhaps they'd even be friends again, but he'd have to live with the pain of wanting more and never having it for the rest of his life. He'd never gotten over Monica, and he knew to be just friends with her after knowing the feeling of having so much more would break him.

Worse than that, he'd had to face her every day with the knowledge of what he'd done to her. That would be the worse pain of all.

"Joe, I wish I could, but… it would just be too hard," Chandler said eventually, the first fully-formed sentence he'd said to him.

"How so?" Joey questioned. It was clear to Chandler that Joey still maintained the innocence and naivety that he'd always had. Apparently two years hadn't made him all that much wiser.

"Seeing her after what I did to her…" he responded once more, repeating his earlier words, "It would just be too hard." Tears were threatening to fall as he thought about her and how she must've felt. He felt overwhelmed with sorrow and remorse at what he'd done.

"I understand," Joey said quietly. "But I really think you should think about it. Things will get better in time."

"For you, perhaps. Meanwhile I'll be the next thing Monica serves in her restaurant."

Chandler heard Joey laugh a little at that, for which he was grateful.

"If not for you, then do it for us, Chandler. We all want to see you. Please," he pleaded, "come home."

Chandler pinched the skin between his brows and closed his eyes, thinking over Joey's words. On one hand, he knew seeing Monica again would be difficult regardless of her reaction; he'd be overcome with guilt and forced to remember what he'd done to her. However, he thought that maybe, just maybe, seeing Monica would at least not make things worse than they already were. After all, he had nothing to lose as _she_ was everything, and he'd lost her because of his own stupidity.

After a couple more moments of debating with himself, Chandler finally replied.

"Fine, I'll go."

 **xxxxx**

He couldn't quite believe he'd said those words, and yet, it felt good. He thought that perhaps seeing her again would give him some kind of closure. He didn't want to leave things on such a bad note for the rest of their lives. Before they were a couple they were best friends and he would love to get any level of that comfort and understanding back, even if it hurt.

Weeks passed at an agonizingly slow pace, but finally, the weekend of the wedding had arrived. Chandler had agreed to meet Ross and Rachel the day before the wedding to catch up and get used to each other's presence again, which seemed fair. He'd taken the day off work, and assumed Ross would get off early, too. He didn't know about Rachel, but he assumed she was only working part-time for now, and thus Friday was a free day for her.

It was 3:30pm on a Friday afternoon when he walked into the coffee house for the first time in two years. He noticed some slight changes – a couple of different faces behind the bar, some minor furniture adjustments – but for the most part, things looked exactly the same. A wave of emotions flooded through him as he was hit with all the memories he'd made in this room. It truly reflected what was the best time of his life, and a time when he had five close friends who he loved and could rely on. Looking back, he knew he took it for granted. He thought his life was the worst - he was stuck in a dead-end job he hated, he had terrible luck with women - and yet, he knew now his friends had made that okay. They were there at the end of the night for him to vent to, and they supported him through thick and thin. He didn't have that anymore.

He'd considered walking out, leaving before the weekend had even begun, until his eyes found Ross and Rachel. He swallowed thickly. He knew this wasn't going to be easy, and it took every last ounce of courage he had to walk over to them. He noticed that Rachel's hair was a little longer from the bob she'd had when he last saw her, now reaching well below her shoulders. She looked slightly tired, but her skin was glowing and her eyes sparkled. Motherhood clearly suited her. Ross, on the other hand, looked exactly the same. It was like no time had passed.

Once he'd reached their table, he stopped awkwardly, glancing between the couple. After a moment's silence, Rachel smiled warmly and leaned in to hug Chandler. He was completely taken aback by her kindness, but eventually sunk into the hug, overcome with the feelings of familiarity and nostalgia. He could feel tears surface as Rachel broke the hug, Ross patting him on the back.

"Welcome back, man," he said quietly, giving him a stiff smile. It was clear that Ross had not yet gotten over what he'd done to his sister, but Chandler expected that. In some ways, he was almost glad – Monica deserved someone to care about her that much that his actions would still anger them. He knew, deep down, she deserved a whole lot more than that. But it was a start. Despite Ross's obvious emotions, he was the one who sent out the invitation in the first place; Ross was the one who didn't want to get married without Chandler there, and so he guessed that any pent up anger Ross had, he intended to work on. Chandler cleared his throat.

"So…" he said, unsure of how to start.

"How have you been?" Rachel asked softly, quite obviously concerned.

"I've been okay," he shrugged. It wasn't a lie; technically, he was fine. He had a well-paying job and a nice house. He even had decent colleagues who he could write off as his friends as they kept him busy when he wasn't working and had fun with them from time to time.

"That's good to hear, Chandler," Rachel replied. Chandler simply nodded.

"And congratulations to you guys!" Chandler exclaimed, trying to raise the mood a little. "On the baby," he started, "and, wait, did you mention there was a wedding? It has been a while since Ross last got married, I think one's due," he quipped. Ross seemed bemused, but he saw Rachel smirk a little.

"We missed you, Chandler."

They continued with the small talk for an undetermined amount of time whilst avoiding the topic Chandler really didn't want to talk about: his leaving. He'd noticed Ross had been quiet for whole conversation, and it was not till Rachel was in the middle of explaining her feeding routine when he finally spoke up.

"Why?" he asked in a low voice, glaring at Chandler. Chandler saw Rachel glanced between the two of them and squinted before trying to ease Ross off the subject.

"Why do I breastfeed Emma?" she asked, giving a nervous laugh. "Ross, honey, I've told you, there are many health benefits to-"

"Tell me why," Ross cut her off. He was almost seething now, and Chandler was genuinely worried for his life. "Tell me why you left my sister."

Chandler started at the ground and began chewing his bottom lip before finally looking up at Ross.

"I wish I could give you a good explanation," he began, trying to ignore Ross's pointed stare. "The truth is that I got scared. I didn't think I was good enough for Monica, so I ran."

Ross scoffed. "Yeah, well you proved that much."

Chandler knew Ross was right. In running away from Monica, he thought he was doing what was best for her by allowing her to move on with someone better instead of settling for him. Yet in doing so, he proved he wasn't good enough for Monica, as he had ran away when he was scared instead of facing his fears and proving himself wrong. Monica deserved someone who would fight for her, someone who loved her enough not to run away because of their own self-doubts. It was a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, and Chandler berated himself for not realising sooner.

"I'm really, really sorry," Chandler said quietly, unable to look Ross in the eye. "If I could take it all back now, I would. I know that doesn't make matters okay or make me any less of a dick, but it's true. I regret it more than you know."

For the first time that evening he saw Ross warm to him a little as he gave a small nod.

"How is she?" Chandler asked, feeling physically sick at what their answer could be.

"She's okay right now. It's been a rough couple of years for her, though," Ross said, "she was heartbroken when you left, Chandler. You'd have thought someone had died with how depressed she was. She didn't get over it for a long time. I'm not sure if she ever did get over it, to be honest – not fully. She learnt how to cope with it better, but I can tell she still thinks about you all the time."

Chandler exhaled sharply and put his head in his hands, his eyes stinging with tears. _Fuck._ The idea of being the cause of Monica's pain tore him apart inside.

"Now with me and Rach having a baby, which you know she's always wanted, and us getting married… it's bringing back some sore memories for her. We've been sensitive about it with her, and we even tried prolonging our engagement for a while whilst the wound was raw, but we couldn't wait forever."

Chandler nodded along, absorbing everything Ross was saying. It made perfect sense for Ross and Rachel to get married now – it just came at an unfortunate time for Monica.

"How do you think she'll… react when she sees me?" Chandler asked tentatively. Monica's reaction was the one he'd been dreading the most, because she was the one he cared about the most. If she rejected him, he wouldn't be able to take it, and yet he knew it was all he deserved.

"It's hard to tell," Ross responded as he took a sip of his coffee, "I think ultimately, she'll be happy to see you. She's missed you so much. _But_ , it's gonna take a while to get there. If you're serious about making good with her, you'll need to be patient."

"Gotcha," Chandler said quietly. "Well, I am committed to the cause. I'll do anything to make things right with her. I'm not expecting much, obviously, but a little bit of closure would be good for both of us, I think."

He stared into his half-empty cup of coffee before looking up to find Rachel with her eyes slightly narrowed, scanning his face.

"You still love her, don't you?" she asked matter-of-factly, her tone implying she already knew the answer. Chandler debated lying, or sugar-coating his emotions before deciding that telling the truth was the least the couple deserved for making him feel so at home again. Plus, he was about to spend a lot of time with them over the next couple of days, and it was inevitable they'd find out eventually.

"I don't think I ever stopped," he replied, his voice barely a whisper.

The trio continued in an amicable silence, drinking their coffees and reflecting over their conversation until the door of Central Perk suddenly swung open. Chandler was snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of a voice.

 _Her_ voice.

"Hey Rach, I managed to pick up your wedding dress but there was a problem with the…" she trailed off as she suddenly caught Chandler's gaze. She looked different, he noticed; her hair was still shiny and long, but she wore it in loose curls. Her makeup was subtle, and she wore a flowy black mesh top with blue jeans, and yet, he didn't think she'd ever looked so beautiful.

They gaped at each other for a few moments, until it appeared as if Monica had finally realised who the hell he was, and the situation they were in. Suddenly he saw her eyes fill with tears. She looked so hurt, so broken, and at that moment Chandler couldn't help but divert his gaze. Rachel was the first to say anything as she stood up apprehensively, approaching Monica and reaching out to touch her.

"Monica, honey…"

Monica's gaze finally broke from Chandler's as she turned to glare at Rachel.

"Don't touch me," she snapped, and before Rachel could say anything else, she was gone.

* * *

 **A/N: Soooo…? Thoughts? Was Monica's reaction too harsh? Are Ross and Rachel being too kind? Let me know in the reviews. Also, for everyone anticipating the big Mondler reunion, it's not far off, if ya know what I mean… ;) thanks for reading!**


	3. Back to December

**A/N: Wow, it's been over a week since the last chapter! Here's the next one if anybody actually remembers this story. This chapter took a little longer than I'd hoped, but I wanted to get it just right as it's a pretty important one. The title for this chapter is 'Back to December' by Taylor Swift, for obvious reasons. The whole song in general is pretty appropriate, but I've chosen the best lyrics that describe this chapter. I've decided to drop the different-POV-per-chapter thing as they'll be interacting in this chapter, and I want to show their interactions from both POVs, so from now on it will be both for each chapter (unless stated otherwise). Thank you so much to all the lovely people who left me reviews, it's appreciated more than you know** **Also, this chapter is a long one and took me a while to write. I'm uploading it in a slight rush, so if there are typos then I apologise and feel free to point them out to me – I'll have them fixed eventually. Enjoy!  
Side note: I've made a few edits since I posted this originally - only minor details and they don't affect the story.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the song, nor do I own Friends or any of its characters, sadly (but I wouldn't mind getting me a Chandler, tbh).**

* * *

 **Chapter 3 –** _ **Back to December**_

 _So this is me swallowing my pride  
_ _Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night_

 **The next morning**

The harsh beep of her alarm clock jarred Monica awake, and she hit the snooze button forcefully. She was still exhausted, and the sound of her alarm was an unwelcome disruption. It wasn't that she'd been in a particularly deep sleep; after the events of yesterday, Monica had tossed and turned, her mind on full alert as she'd relived that moment over and over. However, once she'd finally drifted off, it was gone 4am. She remembered now that less than three hours of sleep was a bitch to deal with the next day.

She had always been a morning person. Even when she'd been depressed after Chandler left, sleeping the day away was never her solution. If she stayed in bed, all she did was think more, and that made her feel worse. No, her coping methods included busying herself with cleaning, cooking or work – basically everything she did before to a much a heightened extent. It increased her exhaustion, but it provided a distraction, and that's what she'd needed. Right now, however, getting up was the opposite of what she wanted to do. Getting up meant the start of today, and today wasn't a day she was ready to face just yet.

She wanted to fall back to sleep. She had a while till she absolutely _had_ to be up for Rachel and Ross's wedding, and in regular Monica fashion, she'd set her alarm as early as possible. However, now she was awake, her thoughts were instantly consumed with Chandler, questions swarming in her mind trying to make sense of what had happened. She was confused, to say the least. Neither Ross nor Rachel had made any mention of inviting Chandler to the wedding. She thought they'd have at least had the decency to run it by her – true, Chandler, was a friend to both of them, particularly Ross, but they knew how badly Chandler had hurt her.

She sighed, running her hands through her slightly mussed hair, sitting up on her bed. The idea of seeing Chandler again completely overwhelmed her with emotions. She felt nauseous, her heart thudding and her body shaking a little every time she thought of it. She wasn't sure she was ready to look him in the eye – the man who she had once believed to be the love of her life – after all the pain he'd caused her.

She was angry at him. So, so fucking angry. _How dare he show up here after all this time?_ But part of her was also longing to see him again, even after all he'd done. She'd missed him more than she'd ever missed anyone or anything in her entire life. She knew it would take a lot of self-control not to run into his arms at the sight of him, sobbing into his shoulder and breathing in his scent. Monica clutched her pillow as she thought of the idea of embracing him again. It was almost too much for her to bear.

She knew she was going to have to be strong. No matter how much her heart ached for it, she had to remain distant from Chandler. If possible, she'd avoid him completely. She knew once she saw him she'd break down in tears once again, and she'd never recover after that. If she wanted to control her emotions and hide her vulnerability from him, she'd have to stay away.

She'd pondered over her emotions for a few minutes when she heard a gentle knock at the door.

"Come in," she said, her voice cracking as she quickly wiped away her tears before her visitor could see.

"Hey sweetie," Rachel said as she tiptoed in quietly, sure not to wake up anyone else in the hotel. They'd all decided to check into a hotel the night before to make getting to the wedding venue as easy as possible, all knowing that the day was going to be stressful enough without travel issues. Ross and Rachel had chosen a beautiful midtown Manhattan loft to get married – it wasn't quite the rustic Italian wedding venue Rachel had always dreamed of, but it was completely romantic. It was perfect for them. The venue was just a couple miles from their apartments, but with the unreliable New York City traffic, they'd deemed it best to be within a five minute walking distance on the morning of the wedding.

"Hey," Monica said softly. She couldn't seem to look Rachel in the eye, so she just stared down at her bed linen, fiddling with the fabric. They hadn't spoken about yesterday afternoon, as after Monica had stormed out, she'd spent the rest of the afternoon pacing around Central Park, trying to clear her mind. When she grew tired of that, she'd ordered Chinese takeaway to her hotel room and spent the rest of the evening wallowing in her bed, watching awful reality TV and trying to think of anything but him.

"How are you?" she asked, her eyes filled with concern. Monica berated herself for how obvious she was clearly coming across. When had she become so easy to read?

"I'm okay. I mean, I kind of ran into my ex-fiancé last night for the first time since he left me without a goodbye and broke my heart into a million pieces. But sure, I'm fine," she replied, he voice filled with spite. Rachel sighed audibly, her head in her hands.

"I'm sorry, Monica," she began, biting her bottom lip in guilt. There was a pause, before she added, "We were going to tell you later that night. Really, we were. We weren't expecting you to walk in like that."

Monica scoffed, rolling her eyes at her half-arsed explanation.

"Okay, but why didn't you tell me earlier? Or, y'know, run it by me before you invited him?"

"Because!" Rachel started. Monica nodded, urging her to continue. "Because... well, the reason why we didn't tell you earlier is we didn't want to worry you about something that wasn't necessary. In all honesty, we had no idea whether Chandler was really going to show. It seemed like wishful thinking considering what happened, and we didn't want to make you anxious for something that wasn't going to happen. Anxious, or excited, whatever-"

Monica scoffed to that, but Rachel responded by raising her eyebrows in a disbelieving way.

She knew her too well.

"I guess I can understand that," Monica replied, "but why wouldn't you tell me in the first place? It seems inconsiderate, especially for you."

"It was inconsiderate, Mon," Rachel said quietly, "it was selfish of Ross and I, and I'm sorry. There's no excusing it. But it's our wedding day. We just wanted our friend there with us…"

For the first time that morning, Monica understood why Ross and Rachel had invited him. They may not have been engaged to him, but they'd both lost an important person in their lives when Chandler left.

Monica noticed that Rachel had welled up a little since her confession. She reached over to hug her, stroking her hair as she felt tears stream down her own face.

"Okay, Rach, you're gonna need to not do that unless you want me to have a full-on breakdown," she laughed despite herself, and Rachel found herself laughing with her.

 **xxxxx**

Chandler stared at himself in the mirror as he adjusted his tie. It had been a busy 24 hours.

After meeting with Ross and Rachel, which ended pretty promptly after Monica had walked in, Chandler had decided to become acquainted with the hotel. He knew it was risky, as there was a more than possible chance that he would bump into Monica or any of his other friends there. However, he managed to safely avoid everyone for the entire night.

Well, not everyone.

Somehow, whilst in one of the many Burger Kings in New York City, Chandler had managed to bump into Joey.

The whole incident was so unlikely and yet, it had happened. It wasn't even the Burger King right near their hotel – that would've been slightly easier to accept. Despite the fact that Chandler didn't really believe in any higher power, the idea that fate had brought him and Joey together made him smile. If he believed that the universe wanted Chandler back in their lives again, it weirdly made his attempts feel more justified to him.

Chandler and Joey had spent the majority of the evening catching up. For the most part, it was surprisingly relaxed and easy-going. It wasn't like old times, and there was certainly an underlying sense of discomfort and awkwardness, but that was expected. It was a start, and it went a lot better than it could have.

At the end of the night, however, Joey became completely serious with Chandler. He wanted to know his intentions, and Chandler saw Joey act with a protective, brotherly determination that he'd never seen before. It was clear that they'd all grown very defensive when it came to Monica and they didn't want to see her hurt again. It warmed his heart that they'd remained so loyal to her, and he was beyond glad that she'd at least had some sort of support system after he'd screwed things up.

" _Chandler, wait…" Joey said as Chandler got up to leave. "I think we need to talk about something."_

" _What is it, Joe?" Chandler asked, mildly frustrated. He was genuinely tired with a long day ahead of him tomorrow that was sure to drain him, both physically and emotionally._

" _It's about Monica."_

 _Chandler swallowed thickly. This was it; the elephant in the room. Somehow, despite the lingering tension, they'd managed to avoid the topic. Now, however, Joey had brought it directly to his attention and there was no skirting around the subject any longer._

" _What about her?" Chandler responded. It wasn't that he was being naïve, or acting dumb. He thought it would be best to see where Joey intended this conversation to go before saying too much._

" _She's here… You're here… Do you actually plan on doing anything about your situation? Apologising, maybe?"_

 _Joey actually seemed pissed at Chandler, which was unusual for him. Joey very rarely got truly mad at anyone; the last time he'd been angry at Chandler was when he found out about him kissing Kathy. That was over five years ago, now._

" _I'll apologise if she'll let me," Chandler replied weakly._

" _And…?" Joey pressed him for further details, "What then? Are you going to try and start things over with her? Get back together with her-"_

" _What?! No! Joey… How could you ever think, after all this time, there'd be a chance that we could get back together?"_

" _I don't know," Joey shrugged sadly. "I mean, it's you and Monica. You were perfect together. Sure, theoretically it seems impossible-"_

" _And when did you start learning big words like that?!" Chandler cut him off. Joey smirked slightly, before continuing._

" _-but with you guys, I don't know. It seems like anything could happen. Or at least at one point it did," he concluded quietly._

" _I know, Joe," Chandler stated softly, "but we're not the same people anymore. We're not Chandler and Monica anymore. There's no us. I'm sorry, buddy, but as much as I might want it to, it's never gonna happen."_

 _Joey pouted a little, pondering over Chandler's words until suddenly, his eyes widened._

" _You want it to?" he said, gasping slightly. Chandler looked to the side slightly and started chuckling nervously._

" _What? No… I didn't say that…"_

" _Yes you did!" Joey exclaimed. His eyes were just as wide, but he was grinning now, and Chandler wondered how this prospect could possibly excite him so much._

" _Why would you want us to get back together anyway, Joe? Don't you think she deserves better than that? Better than the jerk who ditched her the night before her wedding without explanation?"_

 _Joey appeared to contemplate this._

" _I guess you're right," he finally stated, "but it just sucks. You guys were so good together!"_

 _He was whining slightly, and Chandler appreciated this somehow. He knew the reason Joey cared so much about their relationship was because it made them so happy. It had been the happiest three years of their lives. Well, his, anyway – he couldn't speak for Monica._

" _And y'know, I know how much Monica still… still-"_

" _Still what, Joe?" Chandler cut him off once again, intrigued as to where this was going. Did she still love him? Or at least care about him? If so, that would make some sort of reconciliation a whole lot easier._

 _Joey had apparently realised what he said, because he suddenly shook his head violently as if to forget all of what he was about to say._

" _Look, Chandler, all I'm saying is… Don't hurt her. Please. Don't hurt her again, because she couldn't take that. Well, who am I kidding, she's strong as hell, she probably could take that," he was wittering now, "but she doesn't deserve that. And that's what matters."_

" _Joey… If there's anything you should know about me now, it's that I would never intentionally hurt Monica ever again," Chandler stated simply. "I was an idiot to ever do so. Please, if you're going to believe anything, believe that." His eyes pleaded with Joey. Joey's face softened slightly and he gave a slight nod. They shared a look of understanding, and Chandler decided that from now on he'd give Joey more credit, because he seemed to know somehow exactly what he was trying to say._

Since his catch up with Joey, Chandler had done very little except reflect on the day's events. He'd gone back to his hotel room, ordered pizza, watched some stupid cartoons and attempted to mentally prepare himself for the next day. He hadn't succeeded, of course.

Monica's face that afternoon, when he'd seen her for the first time in two years, had replayed in his mind all night. He'd gotten very little sleep, because the very image of her had brought a wave of emotions. She seemed upset – more than upset – and it completely destroyed him. The fact that she was feeling that way because of him broke his heart, and he resigned himself to doing anything he could to fix it.

He decided he was going to confront Monica that day. At some point during the wedding he was determined to at _least_ talk to her; have the chance to apologise, explain himself, and make her feel a bit better about the whole situation. He wanted to ease her pain in any way he could, but things weren't going to heal by themselves. He knew the damage was already done, but if there was anything he could do, he promised himself he would do it.

As he put on his suit jacket, Ross came by his room to remind him that the wedding was due to start in under an hour or so and that he was making his way to the venue now to get ready. Chandler nodded briefly in acknowledgement. Things were still awkward between them, and Chandler planned on staying out of his way for most of the day. He knew merely his presence was enough for Ross.

Chandler breathed in the fresh air as he made his way out the hotel. He really had missed New York. The buzz, the vibrancy, the people; it was all so deeply embedded in him to the point where it was a part of him. There really was no other place like it in the world. He made his way to the venue, and for once in the past two years, he felt hopeful. Insanely so, perhaps, but with reconnecting with his old life and home, being welcomed by his friends, and the idea of seeing her injected him with new life that he hadn't felt in a long time.

Perhaps today wouldn't be so bad after all.

 **xxxxx**

"Breathe, breathe, breathe," Monica repeated quietly, clutching Rachel's hands as she experienced a panicky episode. "Calm down, honey, it's going to be okay and you know it. You love Ross."

"Is it normal to feel this anxious before getting married?" Rachel panted, holding onto Monica for dear life.

"Of course it is, sweetie. Everyone gets cold feet," Monica replied, soothing her with steady exhaling techniques.

"Even you?"

Monica looked at Rachel sharply, and Rachel was quickly reminded that this was not a subject of discussion for them, especially not today. It had been difficult for Monica to watch Ross and Rachel get engaged then plan their wedding – it was like she was relieving that entire year of her life again. Monica was obviously glad that this time it was going to have a happier ending, but she couldn't help but feel jealous that Rachel was getting her perfect wedding day when Monica's dreams of hers had been destroyed.

It really fucking hurt.

"I never felt cold feet when I was engaged to Chandler," Monica said spontaneously, shocking Rachel. She scoffed, "isn't it ironic that I'm the one who didn't have cold feet, yet the only one who had any reason to? Then again at this point he'd left me, so I guess we'll never really know."

Her tone was bitter, and for once, Rachel didn't know what to say. She was so used to consoling Monica when she was a sobbing, heartbroken mess, that she didn't know how to deal with her when she was so upfront about her feelings. She paused a moment longer before speaking.

"That's not true," she said gently. "Someday you'll meet the man of your dreams and we'll get to see you freak out, true Monica style. It will be fun for all of us."

Monica smiled a little, but her eyes were tearing up.

"Thanks Rach," she croaked out, "but I don't think so. Most people don't get one love like that in a whole lifetime. There's no way it'll happen to me again. And sure, maybe I'll find a nice man, settle down and have a bunch of kids, but it won't be the same. I know I'll never feel that way again."

"Honey, you don't know that… And hell, maybe you and Chandler will-"

Before Rachel could finish her sentence, the usher called them to their places. Monica had an idea what Rachel was about to say, but she didn't want to think about it at that moment. Her stomach filled with butterflies as she stood arm in arm with Joey, Ross's best man, and scanned the room from door for any sight of Chandler. She wasn't sure why she was looking for him, but she supposed it was natural. After not having seen him for so long, she was bound to be slightly curious.

Chandler, meanwhile, was sitting somewhere in the middle of the groom's column of guests. He was next to a random elderly couple and another middle-aged man. Surrounded in a completely unfamiliar environment by total strangers, Chandler began to feel suffocated. His breathing quickened slightly, but he managed to regain control of it as the music started. At first, an entirely unfamiliar couple walked in arm in arm down the aisle. By the time they'd reached the front, he noticed Phoebe and an unknown man were next. Phoebe looked different as both Monica and Rachel had; her blonde hair was completely straight with sharp bangs. She looked slightly older, yet she was smiling radiantly. She seemed happy.

His heart raced with anticipation. He knew the next couple to walk down the aisle would be Monica and Joey; he knew, and yet, it felt like a lifetime until he saw her. When he did, however, it completely took his breath away.

She was wearing the same dress as all the other bridesmaids, yet hers was slightly more elaborate. It was a soft champagne colour, floor length with very thin straps and a scoop neckline that showed off her cleavage in a subtle yet noticeable way. The dress was embroidered with silver, jewelled patterns and shapes that got gradually more elaborate as they reached the bottom. The material was light and draped softly around every edge and curve of her body. Her hair was in loose waves and some sort of braided half-up do, whereas her makeup included shimmery rose-gold eyeshadows and a dark red lip.

In short, she looked perfect.

They finally reached the front, and the minister began droning on with the ceremony, but Chandler found it difficult to concentrate on anything but her. She hadn't found him yet, her eyes remaining locked on the betrothed couple, and she was smiling that gorgeous smile of hers. Yet, somehow, she seemed sad; her smile didn't quite reach her eyes, and she looked almost as if she was about to break any minute. Chandler was reminded once again that this likely brought back a host of memories that she'd rather forget. With that, Chandler forced his eyes away from her and instead at the couple, unable to stand the pain in her eyes. They flickered back to her regularly, though. They couldn't stay away for long.

The ceremony was, like most weddings, long and boring, but Rachel and Ross really had chosen a beautiful place to get married. They were currently on a rooftop and at the front everyone involved in the wedding stood in front of a white arch. The place was decorated with not-yet-lit lanterns and decorative lights, sure to create the illusion of stars when they were switched on in the evening. The early May weather was pleasant and sunny, around 65 degrees Fahrenheit, and it just added to the overall warm atmosphere of the place.

It wasn't until the vows that Chandler really started paying attention. After all, they were the most important part.

"Ross, ever since we had our first kiss in the rain outside Central Perk, I knew we were meant to be," Rachel began. "Our relationship may have been rocky since then, filled with highs and lows, but at the end of the day, I always find myself coming back to you, no matter how hard I try to stay away."

Customary laughter ensued, but Chandler's face remained stoic as he watched Monica once more. He could've been wrong, but it looked as if she had tears in her eyes as she listened to Rachel's speech. He wondered if they made her think of them, because that was sure as hell what he was thinking of right now.

"After we had Emma, and created something so perfect together, I knew I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life. I realised I wanted to do everything in life with you – only you – and now, I can't wait for that life to begin."

Monica was now visibly overcome by Rachel's words, but continued to stare at the front, absorbing it all in. It was Ross's turn.

"Rachel, ever since I met you, I knew you were my soulmate. Then, ten years later, you finally decided to give me a chance," he started, the crowds laughing once more.

"Six years on and here we are. I can't promise it will be the easiest thing we'll do, because nothing ever is with us, but it will be worth it. As long as I'm with you, it will always be worth it," he finished.

"Rachel, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do," she said gently, a huge smile on her face.

"Ross, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do."

The guests erupted into cheers and applause. Ross threw his arms around Rachel and dipped her, sharing their first kiss as husband and wife.

Monica clapped alongside everyone, and felt a surge of pride and happiness for her best friend and her brother. She knew deep down it would all work out for them this time, and she felt grateful that at least some of them had found their happy ending.

For the first time during the ceremony, Monica diverted her eyes from the front. She hadn't been able to do so before in the fears of seeing Chandler at such an awkward time. She had to look now, though; she had to know whether he was there, what he look liked, whether she could tell how he was feeling from just his expression.

Sure enough, his face was the first face she saw when she looked into the crowds of people, as if she was drawn to him like magnets. He was staring right back at her, and their eyes locked for what seemed like forever. He was just as handsome as he'd always been, if not more so, and looked incredible in his simple yet sophisticated black and white suit. She felt tears sting her eyes and she sighed heavily at herself once more. God, she _had_ to start controlling her emotions when it came to him. Unable to look anymore, she gave Rachel and Ross quick hugs and "congratulations" before filing away from the rooftop to another part of the loft where she could be by herself to collect her thoughts.

She didn't know what she was expecting. She half-expected people to come and talk to her, console her or anything that would make her feel like her presence was missed. However, nobody came. Eventually, she slowly made her way back, where only those involved in the wedding remained, ready to take photos.

"Are you alright?" Rachel asked hurriedly. Monica simply nodded, not having time to give a full explanation, and inserted herself into the scene before her.

She guessed the tough part was over; there were so many people at the wedding that she could easily go the rest of the night without running into Chandler. Or she could not; if he wanted to see her, that was probably going to happen, given the fact that she was maid of honor and thus not so difficult to track down. One thing she knew for sure, however, was that she had to keep it together, for Ross and Rachel's sakes if not for her own. It was their wedding day, and she wasn't about to let that be ruined as hers was.

The speeches and meal went off without a hitch. Joey and Monica both gave beautiful speeches and Chandler felt an overwhelming sense of pride towards both of them (which he probably hadn't earned, but still). He was gradually getting used to being in Monica's presence again, even though they still hadn't said a word to each other and had barely made eye contact since the ceremony.

It was late in the evening, when Chandler was slightly intoxicated and Monica was sitting by herself in a corner of the rooftop when he decided to approach her. He had been right earlier; the lights and lanterns lit up the sky unlike anything he'd ever seen before. The mood was so romantic that part of him just wanted to whisk her off her feet, wipe away the sad expression on her face and dance with her until they were too exhausted to even stand. He knew he couldn't do that, though, and so he guessed talking to her would be the next best thing.

He walked up to her slowly, being very careful about not freaking her out. Once she finally saw him edge towards her, her expression turned from melancholy and forlorn to downright hurt, although she wasn't making an effort to get away from him, which Chandler thought counted for something. He was grateful she happened to be in a very quiet part of the venue, with very few people around and the music just a gentle lull in the background. Whatever happened between them, he knew he didn't want anyone else observing or listening in.

"Monica…" he said softly, stepping slightly closer to her. Her fingers twiddled in her lap as she bit her bottom lip sadly.

"Chandler," she said, so quietly to the point that it was barely a whisper. She looked so small and vulnerable in that moment. Nothing like the Monica he'd known and loved.

 _Loves._ Present tense.

"Can we talk?" he whispered, and she nodded ever so slightly. He thought perhaps he was seeing things, but then she seemed to lead even further away from the crowds so it was now only them.

He was relieved they were outdoors right now, or he was pretty sure he would be choking to death from the heat.

"So…" Chandler begun, but before he could say anymore, Monica interjected.

"Why?" she breathed, her voice cracking with emotion.

"Why what?" he asked, although he knew it was a stupid question the moment he said it.

"Oh, you know why what," she snapped back, her voice rising a little but the hurt still present in her eyes.

"…I'm sorry, Monica," he stated dumbly. He knew he sounded pathetic, but he couldn't help it. He had a hard time articulating his feelings when he wasn't so emotionally charged, let alone at a time like this.

"That's all I get?" she spat, tears streaming down her face as she stared at him. "You show up here after leaving me two years ago without as much as a goodbye and that's all I get? A meek apology? Not even a fucking explanation?"

She spun around on her heels and began to storm away, but unlike last time, Chandler was sure to follow her.

"Monica, wait-" he said, and she came to a halt, begrudgingly turning to face him again.

"I do have an explanation," he started. "It's not a very good one, and it doesn't even make sense to me anymore, so God knows whether it will make sense to you, but it's an explanation none the less."

Monica indicated at him to continue.

"See, I know it's been a long time, but I'm sure you remember that I had some… let's just say self-esteem issues, when we were together. I constantly felt so much pressure to live up to not only your previous boyfriends, Richard in particular, but also to the expectations of you, your family and our friends. I love them to death, but we both know that some of our group – particularly Phoebe and Rachel – were always particularly hard on me. I know they probably didn't have mean intentions, but I always took it to heart, and I ended up feeling inferior because of it. I never felt good enough for you, Monica. That paired with how much that you've always wanted the perfect husband, and how much your parents want you to get married – it was all too much pressure for me to bear. There are other reasons why I left, but that was the main one. I couldn't stand the idea of you settling for someone clearly inferior to you. You deserved so much better than me, Mon. Everyone else thought so. I just hoped in time that you'd realise it, too."

Monica blinked at him silently for a few moments before bursting into fits of laughter. He didn't know what reaction he was expecting, but it wasn't that one. She tried to compose herself, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" she said, her voice almost yelling now. "Do you seriously have the audacity to tell me that the reason why you left me was because of other people? Because they bruised your poor ego and you couldn't take it?" she spat, her voicing almost a mocking tone. It hurt him to see her so mad at him, and yet he knew it was what he deserved. He deserved her anger. He wanted her to be angry at him. It was the only healthy response for what he'd done.

"That's not it, Monica," he cried, "I mean, yes, I left you because I succumbed to the pressures of other people, but it was only because I loved you. I loved you and I only wanted what was best for you. You deserve the best, Mon, and I was never good enough to be that," he concluded softly.

" _You_ thought you weren't good enough for me?" she retorted, feeling angry for his lack of consideration for _her_ feelings. "Did you ever think for one second that I should be the one to make that decision?"

"It wasn't just me, it was me and basically everyone in our lives," he said in a low voice. "I didn't want to believe it, but I knew deep down it was true. I guess I thought that one day, you'd realise it too and be better off because of it. You'd find the man of your dreams who'd give you everything you ever wanted, and perhaps even thank me for leaving you."

She was shaking her head sadly now, her vision blurry from all the tears. She stared at the ground and sniffled helplessly.

"All I ever wanted was you, Chandler," she whispered, emotion coursing through her face. Her words hit Chandler, and he knew in that moment he'd been wrong all along.

How could he have been so stupid as to consider everyone else's feelings when theirs were the only ones that mattered?

"I have to go," she said abruptly. He opened his mouth to stop her, but she raised her hand before he could speak. "Please," she pleaded. She looked defeated, as if all the fight had been drained out of her. "I can't do this. Not now."

She started walking away at that point, and Chandler knew it was over – for that night at least. He turned, walking in the other direction to re-join the party and vowed to try again tomorrow.

He'd make her see eventually.

* * *

 **A/N: So there it is! I hope it didn't disappoint, and this will be expanded upon a lot more in the next chapter – I wanted to write more, but thought it would be best to finish as the word count has hit over 5K! How did you feel about the reunion? And how are the mixed POVs coming across? Was this chapter too long? Please let me know in the reviews.**


	4. Cigarette Daydreams

**A/N: I am so sorry for such a delayed update – it's been over three weeks! I've had some difficulty finding inspiration for this fic or ideas on where to go with it next, but I think I'm back to it now. This one is slightly shorter than the last beast of a chapter, and more dialogue focused rather than exposition. I hope you enjoy – thank you all for the reviews thus far, and keep them coming if you want to read on. The song for this chapter is Cigarette Daydreams by Cage the Elephant. Enjoy xx**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the song, I don't own Friends, nor do I own its characters. I do, however, own a big Friends poster on my wall, so at least I can pretend.**

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 **Chapter 4 –** _ **Cigarette Daydreams**_

 _You wanna find peace of mind  
Looking for the answer_

 **Later that evening**

"How could he do this, Rach?"

Monica had finished recalling her conversation with Chandler as she paced up and down the restroom she had retreated to with Rachel. It had taken a while for her to open up; she'd first been in a state of shock, before that turned into hysterical crying as she'd tried to come to terms with the evening's events.

Rachel had stayed by her side throughout her breakdown. Monica felt an immense amount of guilt for stealing focus on her big day, yet she was too emotionally unstable to rationalize her actions. She knew it was probably selfish yet somehow that couldn't restrain her emotions; it only left her feeling worse than she had before because on top of everything, it reminded her that she was ruining the best day of her best friend's life.

She sure was a mess.

For the first time in so long, she felt completely vulnerable and helpless. Ever since Chandler left, she'd managed to optimize her compulsive tendencies and behaviours in order to gain a little control over her situation. She knew it wasn't the healthiest way of dealing with things, but it was a way of dealing nonetheless. It distracted her, and made her detach from the whole situation as a way of protecting her feelings. Of course the pain had never really left her, but at least she was able to supress it when it got too much.

Now, though, her protective barrier had been smashed. She'd spent so long working to get over Chandler, and within seconds all her efforts had been destroyed – she was back to square one.

"Maybe you could try talking to him? I know it's tough, but I genuinely think he's sorry," Rachel suggested.

"I have no doubt he's sorry – I mean, who wouldn't be? He did a horrible thing," Monica ranted, "but does that make it okay? Does 'sorry' take away the pain he caused me?"

"No one's saying that Mon, it's just- maybe it'll allow you to heal your wounds a bit and move on if you talk to him. You know, give you some closure, put you at peace with the situation."

"But-"

"If you never find out his side of the story, the curiosity will eat you up inside. Sometimes, not knowing is harder than knowing the truth, even if that truth is painful. You'll forever be wondering 'why' and you know it."

They sat in silence for a few minutes as Monica contemplated Rachel's words. She didn't want to admit it, but she knew Rachel was right. She had to talk to Chandler if she ever wanted to move on.

"When did you get so wise?" Monica said eventually, smiling a little.

"I'm growing up," Rachel said, dramatically gesticulating, the champagne taking effect. "Marriage does things to you."

"You've been married a day," Monica deadpanned.

"Technicality."

Monica hummed before standing abruptly, clutching the sink as she steadied herself. Apparently the alcohol had gone to her head too, and she silently cursed herself for drinking so much. She was in no state to talk to Chandler now, but after her conversation with Rachel, she was itching to get it over with.

"Come on then, Mrs Green-Geller," Monica smirked at her friend's new name, "let's go and enjoy the rest of your night."

"Ugh, Green-Geller. How weird does that sound?!" Rachel asked, pouting.

"Not that weird."

"You lie, Monica Geller," Rachel giggled, "It sounds way better the other way round."

"Maybe," Monica shrugged, "but let's not think about that now."

Monica tugged her best friend's arm before they walked out the restroom, hand in hand.

"So when are you and Ross having your first dance?" Monica asked as they reached the bar, "And what's the song? Not that we made bets, or anything."

"Later," Rachel replied, her voice dismissive and her hand waving nonchalantly, "you'll have plenty of time to talk to Chandler. You won't miss it, don't worry."

"About that, Rach…"

"No!" she cut her off, "Monica Geller, you are not talking yourself out of this one. It's happening. You have to talk to Chandler."

"I know," Monica insisted, "But I don't want to do it tonight. I'm kind of drunk if you hadn't noticed, and I don't want to make any more of this wedding about me."

"Fine," Rachel relented. "Just promise me you'll do it. You've gotta, Mon. You'll regret it if you don't."

"I know, Rach," she closed her eyes, sighing, "I know. I promise."

The rest of the evening went by in a flash. There was laughter, dancing, and lots of alcohol – something Monica couldn't get enough of right now. Ross and Rachel's first dance had been to _With or Without You_ which Monica had anticipated and put her money on; that song had always been meaningful to their relationship. If she didn't have anything else going on right now, at least she was one hundred dollars richer.

She had definitely calmed down a lot since her outburst in the restroom. She eventually sobered up, and was able to think about the situation clearly. She really, _really_ wanted to talk to Chandler. It was imperative to her well-being, she knew that now. She scolded herself for freaking out on him earlier when it could've fixed so many things if she'd just been willing to listen.

She hadn't seen Chandler at all for the rest of the night. It wasn't until they'd reached their apartments that she bumped into him again. Rachel and Ross had booked the hotel another night; a luxurious but wildly overpriced suite, which they deserved in fairness. Everyone else, however, had opted to take cab rides home.

"What are you doing here?"

Monica found Chandler leaning against the door of apartment 19, his eyes firmly shut as he attempted to steady his breathing. He looked tired, exhausted even, and for a moment Monica felt sympathy for him. He clearly wasn't much better off than she was.

Chandler startled at the sound of Monica's voice; he appeared somewhat embarrassed that Monica had caught him in such a visibly emotional state. He wrung his hands together and swallowed as he tried to form a coherent response.

"I, uh- Joey said he'd let me, um, stay with him for a little while. Y'know, till I get myself back on my feet."

"I see. That's kind of him," Monica said softly.

"Yeah."

An awkward silent developed for an immeasurable amount of time, and it made Monica unbelievably sad. Even when they were frenemies during their first years of knowing each other, things had never been so uncomfortable between them. Once Monica moved to the city and their past tensions dissipated, he quickly became her best friend. Even once Joey and then Rachel had moved in, things had always been easy with each other – they perhaps weren't together just the two of them as often, but when they were, they were as close as ever. She'd never had to try with Chandler, or be anyone other than herself. He knew her better than anyone, and she missed that level of understanding and friendship as much as she missed being with him as a couple.

"You seem… better," he spoke again.

"It's a wonder what a shitload of water and some carbs can do to clear your mind," she laughed nervously.

More silence. More awkwardness.

She noticed that Chandler was clutching a cigarette pack and lighter in one of her hands. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes – of course Chandler's first instinct in a situation like this would be to smoke – and instead said nothing on the matter. She'd let him off just this once.

"So are you staying in the city?" Monica asked, attempting to make conversation. She had to start somewhere.

"I don't know yet," Chandler replied. He appeared taken aback that she was even talking to him, yet eager to grasp at any straws he could. "There's nothing there for me back in Westchester. Then again, there's not much for me here."

Monica didn't want to object; she knew it would be wrong to give him any false hope, yet she found herself speaking up anyway.

"That's not true and you know it," Monica said, nudging him gently before Chandler's face perked up with an inquisitive look. "Joey," she said suddenly. Chandler's face fell slightly, and yet she ignored it. "Joey's here. I know he'd love to see you stick around. And you have other friends… Phoebe, and- and then there's your work," she was rambling slightly, and she saw Chandler's mouth twitch into a smile. It was brief, but she could feel herself blushing, and so she stepped away closer to her apartment to regain some distance.

"I guess you're right," Chandler said ever so quietly. He was staring at his shoes, and the tension between them had swiftly returned. After a few more painful moments, Chandler shifted. "Well, goodnight, Monica," he murmured, and turned to open his apartment door.

"Chandler, wait-" Monica said hastily. Chandler turned around in anticipation, and Monica realised she hadn't thought of what to say to him. She just knew she had to say something.

"Central Perk tomorrow at three?"

Chandler smiled wider than she'd seen all weekend, and she hated to acknowledge it, but it made her heart thump a little harder in her chest.

"Really?" he asked in a small voice as if nervous for the reply. In case it was all one big joke.

"Yeah. Really," Monica smiled gently before glancing at the watch on her wrist. It was gone three; she knew she had to leave in order to rest up. It had been a long day, and she had another undoubtedly emotional one ahead of her. "Well, goodnight, Chandler."

"Night, Mon." Her heart fluttered at the use of the nickname – he'd used it early that evening, but she'd been too angry to appreciate it. She gave him one last smile before entering her apartment.

Despite her anxiety for the following day, it was the first night in a long time she'd slept soundly. She knew harbouring such bitter emotions wasn't good for her, and they'd kept her up at night more than a few times in the past two years. For the first time, things were looking up; letting go of the past didn't seem like such a distant concept, and the future didn't look so hopeless after all.

Across the hall, Chandler was thinking the exact same thing.

 **xxxxx**

"Wear the blue one," Joey stated firmly. "It brings out your eyes. Monica will like it."

"It 'brings out my eyes'?" Chandler replied in a mocking tone.

"Do you want to impress the woman or not?!"

Chandler groaned at Joey's words but finally relented, buttoning up the pale blue shirt once again. He glanced at his watch.

"Ah, shit," he muttered. It was 2:54pm. He had six minutes before he was meeting Monica, and he would literally kill himself if he was late.

"What's the matter?" Joey asked.

"Nothing, it's just, I'm meeting Monica in like five minutes and I don't even feel ready yet."

"Okay, man, just go. Get out," he said, giving Chandler a small push towards the door.

"Dude!" he replied frustrated.

"Chandler, the reason why you don't feel ready is because you're about to do something _huge_ ," Joey said, his eyes widening comically in a typical-Joey fashion. "Nothing will prepare you for this, so just go now. Don't make a bad impression by being late."

"Okay, you're right," Chandler replied as he walked towards the door. "Seriously, when did you get so perceptive about these things? Did you get smart whilst I was gone, or something?"

"Dude, you lost me at perceptive," he shrugged before taking a bite into his meatball sandwich.

 _Maybe not._

When Chandler arrived at the coffee house he spotted Monica already there, sitting on the customary orange couch. He was glad he'd already been back at Central Perk, or else it would've been too much to deal with on top of seeing Monica.

"Hi," he said apprehensively, "sorry I'm… One minute early," he said, before letting out a chuckle. Monica was smiling. _That's a good sign._ "Do you want me to buy you a drink, or something?"

"No, that's alright, I already bought mine," Monica responded, indicating to her mug on the table. Chandler silently cursed himself at not thinking to look around before asking the question.

"Alright, well, I- I'll be back in a minute," Chandler said, spinning round and walking towards the counter before he could see her reaction. He'd somehow managed to already embarrass himself in front of her and he'd only been in her presence for a couple of minutes. He returned with his regular coffee in one hand and a plate of mini muffins in the other, because he knew they'd both want to fix their attentions on something else if things got too awkward.

He sat down on the opposite end on the sofa from her. It felt completely unnatural sitting so far away from her – that kind of physical distance between them had never existed even when they were just friends. It felt so wrong, and yet he knew he was entirely to blame for any changes between them.

"So how have you been?" Monica asked as calmly as she could muster, her fingers grazing her mug.

"I've been okay, I guess," Chandler replied apathetically, "you know, busy with work and stuff."

Monica hummed and nodded along as Chandler spoke. He explained about his work transfer and his house back in Westchester. She was genuinely interested in how he'd been doing and what his life was like now, but wasn't what she'd came to talk about.

"And are you seeing anyone?" Monica asked carefully; there was no point to her question as she didn't think either answer would make her feel any better, yet she couldn't help herself.

"No," Chandler replied, "I haven't really dated at all. I haven't been able to think about doing so since… well… yeah," he said, his voice trailing slightly. Monica simply nodded and stared at her coffee before taking another sip of it. "And you?"

"Not right now, no," Monica replied, and Chandler felt a pang of relief. "I was dating this guy from work for a couple of months, but it didn't work out."

"Right," Chandler replied awkwardly. Consoling Monica because of failed relationships wasn't something he'd done in years, and it was practically foreign territory to him now. "Well, I'm sorry to hear that," he said sincerely; he genuinely wanted her to find love, even if it wasn't with him. She deserved nothing less.

"Look, Chandler, we can't keep ignoring this," Monica said suddenly. "I'm here now, and we can't keep making small talk as if we have nothing bigger to talk about. Clearly we do."

"You're right. Obviously," Chandler replied, smirking slightly. She was always right.

"We're both here, we're sober, and we're as calm as we possibly can be for something like this. I just want to know why, Chandler. I want to understand."

Her eyes were pleading with his. He knew this was his shot, and yet he didn't know what else he could say. He'd explained himself last night as best as he ever could.

"Mon, I told you. And I know it's a shitty explanation, but it's the only one I have. It's the truth. And I know I was wrong. I know I shouldn't have made that decision – only you get to decide what's good enough for you – but I didn't see that at the time. I was blinded by self-loathing to even think clearly. I thought you deserved better than my baggage. I know it's difficult to understand…"

"Believe it or not, I do understand that, Chandler," Monica replied, her voice laced with pain. "I know what it feels like to not feel good enough for anybody more than most do. In high school I had barely any friends, nobody wanted to date me because of my weight, my brother was put on a pedestal and constantly praised whilst I was ignored by everyone around me. Even my mother – the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally – persistently criticised and belittled me, even more than she does now. And my father? Well, he did nothing, really, and I guess that was just the problem. I knew he was on my side and thought my mother was being too harsh on me, but he rarely spoke up in my favour, at least not in front of her. So trust me when I say that I fucking understand what it feels like to not feel good enough."

Chandler was inwardly screaming at himself for not seeing this coming. Of course this was a sensitive topic for Monica. She'd had to deal with these feelings even more than he had, and she had tears streaming down her face, and wow, he really wanted the ground to swallow him up right about fucking now.

"What I don't understand, Chandler, is why you'd react in that way. Why wouldn't you come to me about it? Share your insecurities and fears with me? You know that I would've understood, so why just leave?"

"I don't know if I knew that then," Chandler sighed. "I know that now- now that I've had time to think about it, now that I've seen how badly I hurt you. But back then, I was convinced that you didn't love me as much as I loved you. I never doubted you loved me, but to think that you were in love with me as much or more than you had been with, say, Richard-" Monica sighed heavily at this, but he continued, "I just didn't see how it was possible. Richard had kept popping up, whether on our 1 year anniversary or the night I was supposed to propose to you, and it was like the universe was trying to tell me something."

"Chandler, I… I didn't know the Richard thing still bothered you," Monica mumbled quietly.

"Well, it was like as soon as I got over the last time he did something to affect our relationship, he'd appear again. That proposal thing? That lingered in the back of my mind for the whole time we were engaged. It never really went away," he sighed. "And I know I should've spoken to you about it. But at the time, I thought that speaking to you about it could've easily set you off and make you realise that you wanted Richard instead. That if I told you, you'd think I was weak and pathetic for being so insecure, and you'd leave me anyway. I couldn't win, no matter what."

Chandler tapped his foot rapidly as he waited for a response.

"I think… I think I can see what you mean," Monica said finally, and Chandler exhaled a breath he didn't know he'd been holding, "I guess I'm sorry that we never really discussed that whole Richard thing properly. I didn't know he got to you so much, but I should've reassured you-"

"No, Mon, don't apologise," Chandler interrupted, "I'm the one who messed up here, not you."

"That doesn't mean I was innocent," Monica said softly. "I should've been a better girlfriend. I should've made you feel as loved as I felt."

"That's easy to say, but if it helps, I don't know if anything you could've done would've made a difference. I was pretty much past any kind of rationality."

"Still, though," Monica responded quietly, her shoulders slumped. "I could've tried."

They sat in silence for a few moments, but the first time in a while, it wasn't completely uncomfortable.

"I would never think you were weak, or pathetic, Chandler."

He nodded, his eyes fixed on the ground.

"And I really loved you, you know."

Chandler's head shot up as his brow furrowed. She looked sad, and she was looking at him with wide eyes.

"So much. More than Richard. More than anyone," she sighed, her teeth chewing her bottom lip anxiously. "It breaks my heart to think that you didn't know."

"I know, Mon," Chandler said softly. "I mean, I didn't then, but, well… better late than never," he said, his lips curling into a half smile.

"I guess," Monica replied, their eyes locking, before they were broken apart by the sound of Monica's cell ringing. "Sorry, I um… I should get this," she said, before picking up her phone and walking a few metres away to take her call.

Chandler reflected on his conversation with Monica; he was relieved to finally feel somewhat understood by her. The idea of being somewhat civil with her and not having to avoid her constantly made him relax slightly. He could be content with that, but being in a constant war with her? That would take effort that he really didn't have the energy or will to muster.

"Hey, that was work," Monica hurried back, "they've called me in, so I've gotta go," she sighed.

"Okay, well seeya."

Monica nodded, and muttered a simple "bye" before heading in the direction of the door. Moments, later, though, she'd strutted back and was facing Chandler once again. He was confused, but didn't question it.

"I'm not saying I forgive you, Chandler. I'm sure as hell not saying that I'm ready to be your friend just yet," Monica exclaimed, a determined look on her face, although Chandler didn't miss her use of the word 'yet'. "But, well, I think it would be nice if we, you know… Got along. If only for the sake of our friends. Or for our own mental health," she laughed.

"I would love that, Monica. Thank you," he replied earnestly.

"And I'm not saying I'm ready to play foosball with you, or have midnight movie sessions when everyone else is asleep, or talk the night away…" she continued, and Chandler's heart ached as he realised how much he missed all that. "But if we see each other in the hall, I don't see why we shouldn't say hi to each other. And if I'm cooking bacon on Saturday morning, I don't see why you shouldn't come over and have some. Joey eats your fill now, so I have to stock up regularly anyway…"

"Monica," he said, smirking. She was rambling again, but it just made her even more endearing to her.

"Right," she said, chuckling softly. "Well, I have to go. See you around, Chandler," she said, giving a hint of a smile.

"Take care, Mon."

He watched her as she walked out the door. He didn't know what he'd been expecting for today, but he thought it'd gone pretty damn well. He knew Monica would need time before things would even be close to being back to normal – whatever that was – but it was clear to him that they were on the right track.

Being merely civil with her was going to be a challenge. Even if they became friends, he knew that would be difficult, too. His heart ached for something more and always would, but he had to stick it out –he wanted her in her life, and if this was what she was giving him, he'd accept it. It was better than nothing. There fleeting points in their conversation that day that had transported him back to how they were before – so much had changed, and yet really, nothing had. He knew he couldn't allow his mind to go to _that_ place. It wasn't fair on him to put himself through that, but most of all, it was unfair on her to expect or even consider anything of the sort. If she knew he had thought about it, she'd probably be disgusted and want nothing to do with him.

It was sorted; he'd go along at whatever pace Monica set. And despite everything, he'd try to be happy about it.

* * *

 **A/N: I hope this next step in their relationship felt organic, and not like Monica was pulling a complete 180. I had to find some relief from the angst; there will be plenty of that to come in the future I expect, but I can't keep them completely mad at each other for too long. I promise the next update won't be as long a wait! Thank you all so much for the support. xx**


	5. Somebody Else

**A/N: I'm afraid this chapter is a slight filler chapter, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. I've hit a bit of a creative bump right now – I have lots of ideas for the overall direction of this story but I haven't planned out a lot of details for this particular part. I hope it's you like anyways, and remember to review. The song for this chapter is Somebody Else by The 1975 (oh, the angst). Just a sidenote: I haven't proofread this entire chapter as I don't have time tonight but wanted to get it posted, so apologies for any errors and they'll be fixed in the near future.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own this song, I don't own Friends and I don't own any of the characters except Brian. You shall see, my friends.**

* * *

 **Chapter 5 – _Somebody Else_**

 _Our love has gone cold_ _  
_ _you're intertwining your soul with somebody else_

 **Two weeks later**

Monica gently opened her door and tiptoed her way into her apartment, careful to make as little sound as possible. It was 1am, and as predicted, her friends were curled up on the sofa fast asleep, as the end credits of 'Die Hard' rolled. It warmed her heart to see them so comfortable; though she always acted annoyed when they treated her apartment as if it was their own, she secretly loved the fact that they felt so at home there.

Despite the late hour, she didn't feel tired at all. She was on a high after the evening she'd had, which consisted of the best date she'd been on in years. Two, to be specific.

She hadn't been expecting it, to be honest, particularly not with Brian. Brian, her co-worker; Brian, the quintessential dull, middle-aged, middle-class white guy; Brian, the guy she had dated briefly just a few months ago but saw no future with.

It was different now, though. Somehow, she felt freer, and the conversation between them was light-hearted and easy going. For once, she'd been able to completely enjoy a date and it had held her full attention. She was no longer 'emotionally unavailable' as Brian forwardly put it. Perhaps it was her conversation with Chandler that had somehow given her the ability to move on; regardless, she felt like a weight had been lifted.

Of course, it hadn't all been perfect. Chandler still remained at the back of her mind as he always had done, and it had been hard to focus on Brian at times, but she considered the ease and genuine enjoyment she'd felt a small victory.

She placed her key on the counter and made her way to the kitchen, making the most of the rare moment of peace she'd found herself in. She went to retrieve leftovers from the takeaway her friends had ordered, and as she reflected on the nights events, she felt a slight smile ever-present on her face. She sat down as she took a large bite of her pizza, but as she did so, she accidently knocked over an empty beer bottle.

"Shit," she muttered under her breath, and unsurprisingly, the quiet was disrupted as the bodies in the living room began to stir. A chorus of excited greetings and questions bombarded her: "Mon, you're back!", "So?", "How was it?"

 _Well that's more like it._

"Guys, calm down."

"Mon, tell us," Rachel pleaded as she reached for a slice of pizza herself. They were now all huddled in the kitchen as they regularly did when one of the group had some gossip to share.

"Okay. It wasn't bad, actually. Not at all."

Rachel squealed in response.

"Oh, Mon, I knew it! I told you you should just go for it and I was right!"

"Really?" Phoebe asked, "Brian? Huh."

"Yep."

"Oh, Mon. I'm so happy for you," Ross said, pulling his sister into a hug.

"Okay, guys, I had a decent date. I didn't get engaged again, or anything."

At that moment, the realisation of what she'd said sunk in as she locked eyes with Chandler who was already looking at her. She bit her lip, before looking away sadly, staring at the ground.

This had been a regular occurrence lately; anything she or anyone else said reminded her of Chandler. They shared their whole lives with each other, so it was no surprise that just about every topic had come up between them before. Whether it was a joke they shared, a movie they saw, or something they'd just experienced together, she could always somehow relate it back to them. It also didn't help that that always seemed to be the first place her mind wondered – even throughout her date, which she'd actually considered a success, was she faced with constant reminders.

"So what was he like?" Joey asked in an attempt to break the dampened mood slightly.

"He was great. It was just really pleasant, y'know? We had easy conversation. He made me laugh. It was just nice."

The others hummed and offered more supportive comments before Ross, Rachel and Phoebe eventually left to return to their respective apartments. Chandler and Joey were the only ones left, and Joey, sensing the uncomfortable atmosphere, took off as well, but not before making sure Chandler was preoccupied in the loo, so he wouldn't insist on leaving at the same time as him. He knew there were tensions to dispel, and he didn't want to get caught up in the middle of it.

As Chandler came out the bathroom, he realised he was the only one left.

 _Well shit._

He hadn't been left alone with Monica since The Talk a couple of weeks ago, and he knew now wasn't the best time to break that period when he was still reeling from Monica's successful date.

"Well, I'd best be off," he said awkwardly, his feet shuffling.

"Right."

He made his way towards the door.

"Look, Mon," Chandler turned back round to her, "I'm sorry tonight was kind of awkward. It's just, it's hard for me to see you date someone else, you know?"

"Wha-what?" she spluttered.

"I said I'm sorry that tonight was awkward. It's- you know what, it doesn't matter."

"No," Monica's voice was strong, defiant. "The other part."

"That it's… hard for me to see you date someone else?"

"That's the one."

"What about it?"

"I don't get it. You say it's hard for you, but you left me, so what were you expecting?" she defended, her voice straining slightly.

"Okay, Mon, slow down," Chandler said, "I just mean, it's hard for me because we were together for so long. I haven't been in your life in this way in a very long time. It's just going to take some getting used to."

"Right." she said slowly.

"Okay, what is it?" his voice had a desperate edge to it as he took a seat at her table, willing her to continue so he could see her side of things.

"It's just that, I hate that this makes me feel guilty about dating when I shouldn't have to," Monica sighed. "I don't want to feel bad about doing this, but then I see how you feel about it, and it puts me right off it. But at the same time, you can't help feeling uncomfortable about it, and I can understand why you do, so I can't exactly blame you for it," Monica ran her fingers through her hair, frustrated, before her voice went quieter. "You know sometimes, I feel like I'm never going to go back to being able to date like a normal person. There's just too much baggage when it comes to being with me." She was looking anywhere but at him now, and she looked so sad and so small, and Chandler felt his heart constrict in his chest at the unfairness of it all. She didn't deserve this; she hadn't deserved what he'd done to her, and she didn't deserve the consequences she was suffering because of it now, all because he had been the biggest fucking idiot on the planet.

"Hey, hey," Chandler's voice was soft, soothing her immediately, and he reached out to squeeze her hand before retracting it quickly. Monica guessed it was because he didn't want to overstep their boundaries, but for a split second she wished he hadn't done so. "Listen to me. You're a pretty wonderful person, Mon. I obviously think so," he smiled slightly, "and if this dude can't accept all your… baggage," he winced, omitting the fact that the baggage was all his fault, "he doesn't deserve you. Never think you're not good enough for him, or anyone for that matter. If anything, they're the one who's not good enough for you."

 _Except I wasn't good enough for you, was I?_ She wanted to challenge him, but she knew fully well that wasn't the true reason why he left, which didn't make it any it less painful. Instead, they sat in silence and stared at each other. Monica felt her eyes well up and brushed away a tear in hopes that Chandler wouldn't see, but she had no such luck.

"Mon…" his voice was calm and gentle, soft and soothing, and she hated the effect it still had on him. He reached his arm out to hold her; he knew it wasn't appropriate, but he couldn't resist any longer. He just wanted to comfort her in some way; make her pain go away if only for a moment.

She abruptly stood up, edging away from him slightly. Despite how much she wanted to, she knew if she let him comfort her, they'd be treading on dangerous grounds and she couldn't put herself through that again.

"I'm sorry," he said earnestly.

Monica simply nodded.

"Monica, listen to me," Chandler tried to catch her gaze, which had spent the past few moments fixated on a random spot in the apartment, "I understand how you're feeling. But if you like this guy, you need to just go for it. Stop being afraid of what he'll think, stop being afraid of how you think I'm going to react, and just go for it. Don't let fear control your life, Mon. I've done it, and I regret it more than anything."

It warmed her heart that after all this time, Chandler still had her best interests at heart. She knew that despite what he was feeling regarding her dating someone else, he was willing to put all of that aside for her to be happy. He'd always been selfless, particularly with her; he would sacrifice his own happiness if he knew she'd be happy instead. That was part of what made his leaving so shocking; it was so out of character. She understood now though, that even that could be seen as selfless from a twisted perspective – he genuinely believed he was doing right by her by leaving her. She knew it was no excuse, and yet she could understand why someone with such low self-esteem could fall into that mind-set. She berated herself endlessly for not seeing the signs earlier.

His words had reminded her of a time so long ago when Chandler was not only her best friend but her closest confidant. He was always the one she would go to have a heart-to-heart, or for comfort, and she valued his advice and opinion more than anyone else she knew. Chandler never prided himself on his advice-giving abilities, but with her he somehow always knew the right thing to say. He understood her on a level that no one else did, and she knew that was one of the reasons why they worked so together once they'd finally realised their feelings.

She looked up at him once more, but he appeared to be deep in thought as she just had. She watched him carefully for a few moments before his eyes flickered to hers. She averted her eyes, blushing; he'd caught her staring.

"Thanks, Chandler," Monica whispered. "I'm gonna catch some sleep. I'll see you in the morning."

She knew it probably wasn't ideal to leave him to his own devices in her apartment, yet she was too tired to care. It wasn't until she was in bed that she'd realized her words: "I'll see you in the morning."

Chandler's presence had already become a natural part of her life again, and she wouldn't admit it out loud, but maybe it wasn't the worst thing in the world after all.

 **xxxxx**

A few days later, Monica and Chandler were once again left alone together, this time in Central Perk. Their friends had all left, claiming they had things to do (except Monica didn't buy it) but for the first time, she was actually glad; she'd been meaning to talk to Chandler.

"I followed your advice," she said, a small smile gracing her features.

"What advice? That you should just grow and sell your own marijuana if the whole chef thing goes wrong? Because I _was_ actually kidding about."

"No, silly," she feigned annoyance, but couldn't suppress her laugh. "About Brian."

"Brian?"

"You know?" she pressed further at his perplexed look, "the guy I went on a date with? Brian Karfunkel?"

Chandler was suddenly hit by the memory of their earlier conversation and the revelation of her date; he grimaced slightly, but even if Monica noticed she didn't say anything. Monica noticed a flash of something unfamiliar appear on Chandler's face, but whatever it was, he snapped out of it in an instant.

"His surname is Karfunkel?" he asked incredulously.

"He's of German descent, Chandler. What's your point?"

"I'm not sure that's German so much as not-a-real-name," he deadpanned.

"It is. Look, there he is now!"

Brian shuffled into the coffee house, a smile appearing on his face as he saw Monica. He looked extraordinarily average, with brown hair, dull brown eyes and a slightly overgrown beard; when he spoke there was no hint of an accent, which surprised him. Once he'd reached their sofa, he lent down and kissed Monica for longer than necessary. Chandler noticed that she seemed slightly uncomfortable with the excessive PDA, but decided not to mention it.

"Chandler, this is Brian. Brian, Chandler."

Chandler presumed from Brian's disinterested reaction that Monica had yet to divulge any details of their relationship, or even that they'd been together. Chandler appreciated this; the idea someone both of them barely knew knowing very personal details about them made him more than slightly on comfortable. He knew she had the right to share that with him, or anyone else, at any time, but he was glad that she wasn't baring her soul to just anyone.

"I've gotta go, but I'll see you later, babe," he said, giving her another chaste kiss before making way for the door.

"How great is he?" Monica enthused, her face lit up in a smile. Chandler thought he was way too boring for someone as special her.

"He seems like a really nice guy, Mon," Chandler smiled. "I'm so happy for you."

Monica saw something behind Chandler's eyes; she knew he was being sincere, yet he was undoubtedly hiding something. She was too caught up in her own bubble of fresh, newfound hope to question it, however, and so she went back to reading her newspaper.

"He really is a great guy, isn't he?" Monica asked a few moments later. Chandler smiled and went back to sipping his coffee. " _I_ think so," she answered her own question, assuring herself more than anyone else.

* * *

 **A/N: Oh look, more angsty conversations! More light-hearted Mondler chat with tense undertones! I know not a lot is happening right now, but I think there are necessary steps they need to take before they can rebuild their friendship. We're not quite there yet, but things are getting better between them as you can tell. It all takes time, kids. For the record, I don't plan on making Brian a big part of this fic or much of a source of angst between Mondler; if anything, he's just a plot device to help get our two favourites closer together** _ **platonically**_ **. Brian's only been in one scene and I'm already bored of Brian. Don't expect to see much more of him.**

 **Please continue with the reviews – I get fewer with each chapter and it is discouraging. I worry people are losing interest in this fic, so if you want me to keep writing, I'd really appreciate it if you could drop me some feedback. That includes on my writing in general as well as on the story as I want to improve in whichever ways I can. Thank you to all those who have reviewed this story so far! :)**


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